'Tis the Season

My Brother and his lovely bride are the BEST!! They got me a tree---I've never almost cried over a Christmas tree. . . until today. It was 10:45 pm (it's now 11:25) and they called me over for what I thought was seeing their house all decorated. Instead it was to give me my very own Christmas tree that actually fits into my apartment!! I was so excited after all my studying and listening to Christmas music and wanting to be at home with Christmas tree lights twinkling and Mama's cooking instead of leftover Chinese. I have a little more studying tonight but I wanted to share the JOY first!

It really is the little things like this. . . It's good to have people that love me and are willing to go out of their way to make my day next 3 weeks!! And they may have improved my GPA because I WANT to sit across from this beautiful sight and study!

A Wellspring of Joy

The Lord has been so good to me this week. He has pulled my heart back from idols that I had been building up for a long time and is loosening my grip on them and allowing me to rest in his providence.

For many months, perhaps even years I have walked around with pasted-on joy outside while inside I was walking around in dread of the future. Well, the Lord opened my eyes to my sin this week. You see, I have lived and breathed the dream of PA school for a long time, then I find myself not doing so well on failing a test and wondering why I could lose my motivation to such a point that I am in the beginning stages of throwing my dreams away. And then it hit me (as evidenced in my last post): My dream is not PA school, it is being a wife and a mother.

Well, amidst many tears (over the grade and in all honesty, some tears of bitterness against the Lord) I sat down to my time with the Lord and every page I turned whether in the Bible, Daily Light, Jesus Calling, Morning and Evening, or William Cowper's hymns my idolatry hit me between the eyes. I have taken a desire given to me by the Lord and dwelt on it and fallen in love with it to the point that I am an adulterer. And to top that all off, I am cheating on the only person who can offer me an everlasting love and true joy!

Oh, what a wellspring of JOY I have in knowing that the Lord longs for my heart so much that he has pulled me from my adulterous ways!

This is one of the quotes that hit me between the eyes, it is from Morning and Evening on November 14th, from Genesis 29:26 ("Laban said, 'It is not so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn.'"):
Everyone falls in love with happiness, and many would cheerfully work for fourteen years to enjoy it; but according to the rule of the Lord's kingdom, the Leah of real holiness must be loved in our soul before the Rachel of true happiness can be attained. Heaven stands not first but second, and only by persevering to the end can we win a portion in it. The cross must be carried before the crown can be worn. We must follow our Lord in His humiliation or we will never rest with Him in glory. 

My soul, what do you say--are you so vain as to hope to be an exception to the heavenly rule? Do you hope for reward without work, or honor without endeavor? Dismiss this idle expectation, and be content with the despised things for the sake of the sweet love of Jesus, which will more than repay you. In such a spirit, working and suffering, you will find afflictions grow sweet and hard things easy. 

Exhausted

This block I hit a wall-- I did fine in all my exams but one and it just fell through the cracks and kept on falling. This is all consuming and it's hard to do alone. I'm consumed by school but lonely. This is my calling in life right now and I do enjoy it, but the future money and "career outlook" means nothing to me, and currently I'm still useless at treating patients so I'm just in a lackluster stage. Yet the Lord has a purpose for this, He is calling me to learn right now in order that one day I may love on His people by caring for them physically to reach their lost and diseased spirits. May I not lose sight of that and grow weary. May I find JOY in His presence and the immense love He has shown me. May I not fear the future or loneliness but persist knowing that my God has won the battle, He has victory over fear and loneliness and weariness and in Him alone will I be able to laugh at the future, enjoy constant community, experience perfect and sustaining love, and sense peace that can lead to rest.


I need a long quiet time and then about 30 hours sleep (we'll start with 8). A break is coming, I'm just at mile 21 of the marathon and I need to push through.

Return, O holy Dove, return,

     Sweet messenger of rest;

I hate the sins that made thee mourn,

     And drove thee from my breast.

The dearest idol I have known,

     Whate'er that idol be;

Help me to tear it from thy throne,

     And worship only thee.

So shall my walk be close with GOD,

     Calm and serene my frame;

So purer light shall mark the road

     That leads me to the Lamb. 

                                                    - "Walking with God" William Cowper

What I'm really doing when I'm "studying" for block exams. . .

. . . Surfing Youtube!!

Block test on Monday, the vast majority of which is on EKGs.

I'm up to my eyeballs in them and I love it--it is so cool to look at a sheet of paper and be able to visualize what is going on in a person's heart!! Visualization is the key and, as usual, Youtube has become a friend in this block for that very reason.

(And for clarification's sake: his arms are the atria, his legs are the ventricles)

Enjoy the hilarity!!! 

NO bone graft needed!!!! Hallelujah!

It is indeed an oronasal fistula and they do have to remove the entire thing from where it starts in my mouth to where it ends in my nose. I can't blow my nose for a few weeks after to make sure that tissue isn't harmed or anything but it shouldn't be awful. It's under IV sedation in the oral surgery office so it's no big deal!

I've scheduled it for an hour after my last exam of the semester--I want it to take as little out of my Christmas as possible! :D

The Cleft Chronicle Continues

I may have a common associated problem with cleft palate repairs called an oral nasal fistula. I had felt it with my tongue and then my brother (who happens to be my dentist) noticed it when he cleaned my teeth. It is basically a connection between my oral cavity and my nasal cavity---this makes eating spicy soups and caffeinated drinks not so fun these days.
I thought my journey with my cleft lip and palate was over but apparently it isn't. I'm beginning to understand the long term ramifications of all my surgeries. Every time a surgeon touched my face it made me look better but it wasn't without its effects--my bone is fragile, my soft tissue is thin, and my teeth move in a heartbeat. Because of 4 sets of braces (Yes, FOUR), the roots of one of my front teeth are so short that it is a definite I will need an implant somewhere down the road (I'm flossing like crazy to delay that. . .)  and my teeth move any time they are given the opportunity (they are cemented together but when that bonding comes off they literally move in a few hours).
I finally understand that this will never be over. I am 21 and at the peak of my health bone-wise and vasculature-wise. I have always been a complicated dental case and I will only get more complicated, BUT hallelujah my brother and sister-in-law are just about to be in their own dental practice and they are committed to getting me good care!!

Tomorrow will tell what procedures will be involved with this latest complication--I have an appointment with the Oral Surgeon. It could be as little as just closing it with a piece of soft tissue from somewhere else or it could involve another bone graft from my hip--hope not. Whatever it takes procedure-wise to repair it, I will get done over Christmas break . . . Merry Christmas to me.