The Lord has been whispering in my ear all summer one small word: "Beloved." At first I wanted to roll my eyes and say aloud, "Lord, I know you really want me to find my satisfaction in you and I know you chose me and love me more dearly than any man could but I so desperately desire a man to choose me and take me and love me." Then the realization hit me: Perhaps, the Lord isn't reassuring me that I am His beloved, but telling me that He has planned a Beloved for me and I need to wait on His timing. This idea is such a thrill! The Lord has chosen someone for me to go through this life with, and not just anyone, a BELOVED, a SOULMATE!
So, how will I know, what will I look for?
I have no idea. But I trust that the Lord will tell me. He has given me such a godly and loving (but not perfect) example of a marriage in my parents and I pray daily for the grace to love and serve my husband the way they serve each other. I will no longer look for a "Christian" man, but rather a man who loves Jesus with all his heart, a man who does all things for the glory of the Lord, and a man who shows me hesed love despite my sins and the hurt that I will cause him.
Why in the world am I so excited about this promise from the Lord?
It gives me a renewed hope. It shows me, all the more, the depth of the Lord's love for a silly little sinner like me. It gives me an opportunity to pray for the man I will marry in even more specific ways. I feel like this is the Lord's way of looking down on me and saying, "Beloved, I love you so much that I would overcome you with it if I showed you, so until Heaven I want to bless you with an earthly beloved to give you a tiny taste of the vastness of my love for you."
After this realization, I began to think of the ramifications that my sin will have on my marriage.
My sin will temper the joy of my marriage, it will get in the way of me fully savoring the taste of the Lord's love demonstrated by the gift of a husband. It hurts to know that I will mess up in this relationship over and over again. But even now, I am praying for grace and for a teachable heart.
Slowly this picture has gone broad-spectrum again in my walk with the Lord. I have realized anew just how much joy I miss out on in this relationship because of my own sin. And then I go and project my sins on the Lord--well, great, way to go Catharine! The Lord has drawn me even closer in my frustrations and gently reminded me that He is the giver of all good things, I have already been guaranteed this joy in eternity, and if I walk with him in my life on earth I will not lack for joy.
Funny thing: The Lord has opened my eyes to the fact that there is never a "fairy-tale" marriage, that every man will fail me, that I will fail every man. At the same time, he's shown me that, in Him, my marriage will be even better than the fairy-tales!
"I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine." Song of Solomon 6:3
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